Just before you, my myriad readers, get exited, I want to get out in the open that no, there have been no new sparkling developments in my lovelife. I'd even forgotten that word altogether until yesterday, when an old schoolfriend asked me if "there were any developments in my lovelife". It was at the farewell barbeque of another friend - I went in suspecting it would be somewhat like a schoolreunion on my part since I hadn't seen many of them for a while, and as we sat in her rose-spangled back garden (long and narrow, typically dutch, reminding me of many a birthday party when I was smaller and rounder). I just laughed and said it was as non existent as ever and hurried the conversation to some other topic. So no, no Sex at Oxbridge here, and no no-Sex in Holland either. Because I'm just not that cool yet, and am not sure I want to be either.
I've chosen this title because amidst the often awkward sometimes real conversations with friends I noticed one in particular - not only because she's generally quite a wonderful person - but also because at the beginning of the evening she was sitting on the opposite side of the table from whom I thought was her boyfriend, though I had my doubts as ever given that relationships shift and I hadn't seen them for a while. It was a long wooden table, and there were twelve of us sat around it - why was she not sitting next to him? She spent some time talking to me and a few other girls at the top of the table, then shifted down the table to talk to a DJ friend who'd just gotten back from 6 months in Thailand who was repeating yet again the story of how he'd met a girl there and couldn't wait for her to come visit him in the next month ("she searches dutch words on google, it's so cute!"), until, a good 3 hours after the maybe-boyfriend had arrived my chalk question mark was erased with her perching on his chair, head leaning against his.
Of course there's a lot going on in these occasions, I'm not trying to reduce reality into a little ditty about a word. But the 20 year old idealist would so like to have it that there was more there, that her perching on that chair was the Purpose of her moving down the table, there may have been other reasons but that was a real part of it.
I've thought about it too much already. My post about how Love was what made her face shine, how it was the determining factor behind all her movements, how if only we had an infinite thing to Love our faces would always be shining like hers, how the reason I sit here on a Sunday morning writing a self-referential post few will read and even fewer understand is because I have lost the object of such Love, that all I need to do is get my act together and sort out my theological issues and I'll be back on the Love boat, Noah's ark, with a fabulous love life, loving every moment of life - that post died ten minutes ago.
Love is rarely (should I say never?) neat enough to fit into the palm of my hand and a little blog post, despite my attempts even now to give this some kind of closure, won't encompass it. Maybe that is the answer to my 'love life' problems though. Maybe the answer to my Sunday morning and Saturday evening blues is that I want to reject something if it's not perfect, and beyond anything I don't want to get out there and Do Something. Right now the Maybe rings louder than anything else, and I'm thoroughly indecisive about whether or not I could ever overcome my chronic indecision. But Maybe.
zondag 27 juni 2010
zaterdag 19 juni 2010
An empty room, a blank blog-page - a fresh start?
I'm dedicating this to Maggy, who in a facebook message gently reminded me of a desire I ardently expressed a few months ago, namely to start blogging again. It had since been dampened by the onslaught of exams and general cantebrigian chaos, but she must have caught me on a good moment, feeling vaguely spontaneous and unafraid.
That last word is a lie, but I liked the metre.
So why am I starting this blog? I was going to avoid the question in order to give myself the false security of thinking I knew why, but really I should tease it out into words, for thoughts I have that aren't pinned down by language tend to run amok, only to crouch somewhere in the mists of my subconscious to jump out again, unrecognisable (due to me not having recognised them in the first place!) in a joker suit.
That last sentence whispered in my ear that I may be writing this blog because I want to play with words. Maybe that's the extent of it, and all the other motives are superfluous, a sheen I've convinced society and myself is real. For I was about to add - I want to want to do more than play with words, I want to engage with the world, to be engaged with the world, for I've been living as a singleton for too long, consuming academia not for its own sake but for the transferable skills I can milk out of it, clogged up subjectivity aloof from the Objective (if it's there), and I figured some PDA was appropriate from the off.
'Engage with the world' is a beautiful yet verging on vacuous phrase since I don't entirely know what I mean by it.
In conclusion - I'm writing a blog to figure out why I'm writing a blog, and I'm more than exited about it.
That last word is a lie, but I liked the metre.
So why am I starting this blog? I was going to avoid the question in order to give myself the false security of thinking I knew why, but really I should tease it out into words, for thoughts I have that aren't pinned down by language tend to run amok, only to crouch somewhere in the mists of my subconscious to jump out again, unrecognisable (due to me not having recognised them in the first place!) in a joker suit.
That last sentence whispered in my ear that I may be writing this blog because I want to play with words. Maybe that's the extent of it, and all the other motives are superfluous, a sheen I've convinced society and myself is real. For I was about to add - I want to want to do more than play with words, I want to engage with the world, to be engaged with the world, for I've been living as a singleton for too long, consuming academia not for its own sake but for the transferable skills I can milk out of it, clogged up subjectivity aloof from the Objective (if it's there), and I figured some PDA was appropriate from the off.
'Engage with the world' is a beautiful yet verging on vacuous phrase since I don't entirely know what I mean by it.
In conclusion - I'm writing a blog to figure out why I'm writing a blog, and I'm more than exited about it.
vrijdag 11 september 2009
home sweet home?
Hello everyone :)
I'm happily back in Holland; the weather is dutch but the cheese makes up for it. It's very strange to be back and I miss South Africa (I now know why sa expatriates talk about their country so much!), but life moves on and that's a good thing too.
Coming back to Europe was definitely a culture shock, everything is so nice here! The clothes people wear, the trains, the trainstations, the gum mozaic on the tiles of the train stations, the fact that people spit their gum out onto the tiles of trainstations. Ok maybe that last thing isn't so nice, but it's strange that someone would do that (that I've done that!). Meh, I'm being idealistic.
I was always so amazed at how grateful the kids in Durban were for the things they got, it seemed so different from my own attitude to life. But then again maybe their reaction isn't that different to middleclassmaterialist one, since they're happy for little things, which to them seem like big things, just as we're happy for things that seem big to us. At one point when I was teaching at Stella I realised I was being part of the problem by always commenting on the clothing the kids wore - partially because they would point out their new shoes/shirt/skirt to me, but also because I was nervous for the first few weeks and struggling with remembering names. I then realised how silly that was, since I what I was really saying was that it's the clothes you have that make you special. A few times I caught someone looking ashamed of the shirt they were wearing or the shoes they weren't, which hammered that point home too.
South Africa was very cool (at times literally so), and I only have three regrets. 1) that I didn't go on a Very Early Morning run with Sean's sister 2) that I wasted time regretting not going on said run (5.30 is far too early, even if you do sight a Kingfisher and jog through the jungle) 3) maybe that I didn't blog enough. But then again, there was something to comment on every 10 minutes or so, and my friendship with Emma wouldn't be where it is had I blogged-to-da-maximum. That internet cafe guy, on the other hand...
I was going to upload pictures today but my technological skills are LEDC as ever and besides I've lost the little camera connector thingy. But I'll be back with pictures soon :).
All the best (and it may be in front of you...)
xxHeidi
ps. Canal Walk in Cape Town claims to be "the biggest in Africa". Watch out Gateway...
I'm happily back in Holland; the weather is dutch but the cheese makes up for it. It's very strange to be back and I miss South Africa (I now know why sa expatriates talk about their country so much!), but life moves on and that's a good thing too.
Coming back to Europe was definitely a culture shock, everything is so nice here! The clothes people wear, the trains, the trainstations, the gum mozaic on the tiles of the train stations, the fact that people spit their gum out onto the tiles of trainstations. Ok maybe that last thing isn't so nice, but it's strange that someone would do that (that I've done that!). Meh, I'm being idealistic.
I was always so amazed at how grateful the kids in Durban were for the things they got, it seemed so different from my own attitude to life. But then again maybe their reaction isn't that different to middleclassmaterialist one, since they're happy for little things, which to them seem like big things, just as we're happy for things that seem big to us. At one point when I was teaching at Stella I realised I was being part of the problem by always commenting on the clothing the kids wore - partially because they would point out their new shoes/shirt/skirt to me, but also because I was nervous for the first few weeks and struggling with remembering names. I then realised how silly that was, since I what I was really saying was that it's the clothes you have that make you special. A few times I caught someone looking ashamed of the shirt they were wearing or the shoes they weren't, which hammered that point home too.
South Africa was very cool (at times literally so), and I only have three regrets. 1) that I didn't go on a Very Early Morning run with Sean's sister 2) that I wasted time regretting not going on said run (5.30 is far too early, even if you do sight a Kingfisher and jog through the jungle) 3) maybe that I didn't blog enough. But then again, there was something to comment on every 10 minutes or so, and my friendship with Emma wouldn't be where it is had I blogged-to-da-maximum. That internet cafe guy, on the other hand...
I was going to upload pictures today but my technological skills are LEDC as ever and besides I've lost the little camera connector thingy. But I'll be back with pictures soon :).
All the best (and it may be in front of you...)
xxHeidi
ps. Canal Walk in Cape Town claims to be "the biggest in Africa". Watch out Gateway...
zaterdag 5 september 2009
Durban down, Capetown to go...
I'm sitting in the business centre of a boat-themed hotel in Capetown's waterfront. It smells like a boat, and I swear I felt a slight swaying when walking down the corridors. This may be my mind playing tricks on me. That, or last night's goodbye dinner rosee is kicking me in the shins.
Capetown is gorgeous, but it's all filtering in through a cloud of nostalgia. My own personal tablecloth (which is what they call the clouds that sometimes settle down on table mountain). I miss Durban: the Stella noonoos, Emma and the Bastables, the Sunday school kids...eish, I even miss the Lodge, that "little house by a church" (which was the explanation I'd give to the wee ones when they asked me where I lived. "With your sister?" "Yes, I live with Emma" "Who cooks?" "Me, usually" "Can I come live with you?" "Umm...look, a hula hoop!")
I haven't seen them for over a week now but my mind keeps wandering back to that daily routine and their funny expressions. One girl in my yellow group called Nokutula (which ironically enough means 'quiet girl' even though she was one of the loudest in the class) never failed to answer "Jesus" to questions she couldn't think of another answer to. "Of what type of flower are we talking?" "Jesus!" "What is it that does this *Mrs. Van mimes a helicopter propellor with her hands*" "Jesus!"Lol and I'm sure someone has given a go at justifying those statements, somewhere, somehow. I love theology...
One of the coolest days at Stella was when we took them to the park. The place was simple enough, with a big patch of grass, two see-saws, two sets of swings and a jungle gym. I came with the first bus and watched the kids gallop towards the playground like a herd of little wild kudu. Soon I was sorting out the squabble by the see-saw, concerning who got to sit on the seats. Then the second bus arrived, and as I looked behind me I saw two girls running across the grass to meet it. Their arms flailed from side to side, their bodies tilted forwards like birds. So happy.
My parents and sister arrived last Sunday. It's strange to have your budget quintuple in a matter of minutes but hey this is the double life students lead and I'm not complaining. Just commenting. We stayed in Umhlanga (pronounced Umshlanga, "place of reeds"), which 15 years ago was still sugar cane but now is the Beverly Hills (or Wassenaar) of Durban. At first it was all mega-disorientating and I found myself in a mental knot of haves vs have-nots. But I got accostumed to it all quite fast, as people do. The cappucino machine helped (there's nothing like milk foam to soothe your philosophical troubles).
I'm off, all the best to you my reader! I'll be back soon with more Capetown news, and maybe something from the Durban archives.
xxx
Capetown is gorgeous, but it's all filtering in through a cloud of nostalgia. My own personal tablecloth (which is what they call the clouds that sometimes settle down on table mountain). I miss Durban: the Stella noonoos, Emma and the Bastables, the Sunday school kids...eish, I even miss the Lodge, that "little house by a church" (which was the explanation I'd give to the wee ones when they asked me where I lived. "With your sister?" "Yes, I live with Emma" "Who cooks?" "Me, usually" "Can I come live with you?" "Umm...look, a hula hoop!")
I haven't seen them for over a week now but my mind keeps wandering back to that daily routine and their funny expressions. One girl in my yellow group called Nokutula (which ironically enough means 'quiet girl' even though she was one of the loudest in the class) never failed to answer "Jesus" to questions she couldn't think of another answer to. "Of what type of flower are we talking?" "Jesus!" "What is it that does this *Mrs. Van mimes a helicopter propellor with her hands*" "Jesus!"Lol and I'm sure someone has given a go at justifying those statements, somewhere, somehow. I love theology...
One of the coolest days at Stella was when we took them to the park. The place was simple enough, with a big patch of grass, two see-saws, two sets of swings and a jungle gym. I came with the first bus and watched the kids gallop towards the playground like a herd of little wild kudu. Soon I was sorting out the squabble by the see-saw, concerning who got to sit on the seats. Then the second bus arrived, and as I looked behind me I saw two girls running across the grass to meet it. Their arms flailed from side to side, their bodies tilted forwards like birds. So happy.
My parents and sister arrived last Sunday. It's strange to have your budget quintuple in a matter of minutes but hey this is the double life students lead and I'm not complaining. Just commenting. We stayed in Umhlanga (pronounced Umshlanga, "place of reeds"), which 15 years ago was still sugar cane but now is the Beverly Hills (or Wassenaar) of Durban. At first it was all mega-disorientating and I found myself in a mental knot of haves vs have-nots. But I got accostumed to it all quite fast, as people do. The cappucino machine helped (there's nothing like milk foam to soothe your philosophical troubles).
I'm off, all the best to you my reader! I'll be back soon with more Capetown news, and maybe something from the Durban archives.
xxx
maandag 17 augustus 2009
One month gone...
Go figure, I finally find myself in front of a computer again and I have writer's block.
Emma says, "how about your talk in church, and the process towards it?"
Yes! I did a talk at church last Sunday. It was terrifying but I'm glad it happened. I say happened as opposed to "I'm glad I did it", because in the end it didn't really matter what I said, just the fact that I said it. I wish I had figured this out before, since I spent the days before fretting about anecdotes and words and whatnots (it was like an essay crisis! in mid summer! eish...). It was a small audience, but afterwards a woman came up to me and said that during the talk she'd felt the final push to start up a church back at home...in some corner of Madagascar's jungle. She said "I'd been so nervous about speaking in public, but if you can stand up there then I can too..."
Internet cafe guy is telling me I'm out of time. Goodbye! All the best!
Emma says, "how about your talk in church, and the process towards it?"
Yes! I did a talk at church last Sunday. It was terrifying but I'm glad it happened. I say happened as opposed to "I'm glad I did it", because in the end it didn't really matter what I said, just the fact that I said it. I wish I had figured this out before, since I spent the days before fretting about anecdotes and words and whatnots (it was like an essay crisis! in mid summer! eish...). It was a small audience, but afterwards a woman came up to me and said that during the talk she'd felt the final push to start up a church back at home...in some corner of Madagascar's jungle. She said "I'd been so nervous about speaking in public, but if you can stand up there then I can too..."
Internet cafe guy is telling me I'm out of time. Goodbye! All the best!
donderdag 30 juli 2009
Blast from the past...
Hello y'all,
I'm sitting in a secondary school library listening to a group of school-uniform clad girls bicker about the photocopier. A mere slither of a year separates me from them, but it's like an oxygen mask, I'm holding onto it tightly. The lack of uniform helps too. Emma and I refueling at a much needed internet watering hole. We're at Durban Girls High and the name says it all really. The building is a big complex on top of a hill, with gorgeous views overlooking Durban's harbour and most of the city. We came here to talk to the school's Christian Union during their lunchbreak - it's not completely random, Sean's mum works here and she invited us to spruce up their usual lunchtime "vitamin pill". I spoke about "Firm Foundation Faith", and unfortunately I was too nervous to use the Christianity/make-up punning potential. But the nerves gradually evaporated during the talk, and Emma said it went ok. And I have internet. So many reasons to be a happy camper.
I can't believe we've been here for two weeks already. So much happens here that you barely have time to register one thing before the next things boulders along and happens. Everything is new here, maybe the feeling will subside after a few more weeks. The noonoos are great as ever - this morning we set up a "dress-up" station outdoors and they spontaneously started army-marching around the playground, clad in highheels and dresses and all, chanting something in Zulu. It was bewildering.
The school bell has gone, I'm off! I hope you're all having wonderful holidays.
Hugs,
xHeidi
I'm sitting in a secondary school library listening to a group of school-uniform clad girls bicker about the photocopier. A mere slither of a year separates me from them, but it's like an oxygen mask, I'm holding onto it tightly. The lack of uniform helps too. Emma and I refueling at a much needed internet watering hole. We're at Durban Girls High and the name says it all really. The building is a big complex on top of a hill, with gorgeous views overlooking Durban's harbour and most of the city. We came here to talk to the school's Christian Union during their lunchbreak - it's not completely random, Sean's mum works here and she invited us to spruce up their usual lunchtime "vitamin pill". I spoke about "Firm Foundation Faith", and unfortunately I was too nervous to use the Christianity/make-up punning potential. But the nerves gradually evaporated during the talk, and Emma said it went ok. And I have internet. So many reasons to be a happy camper.
I can't believe we've been here for two weeks already. So much happens here that you barely have time to register one thing before the next things boulders along and happens. Everything is new here, maybe the feeling will subside after a few more weeks. The noonoos are great as ever - this morning we set up a "dress-up" station outdoors and they spontaneously started army-marching around the playground, clad in highheels and dresses and all, chanting something in Zulu. It was bewildering.
The school bell has gone, I'm off! I hope you're all having wonderful holidays.
Hugs,
xHeidi
vrijdag 24 juli 2009
Just another manic Friday
Dear blog readers,
Sorry for the long silence (that goes especially to you, mum!). Emma and I moved into the "lodge" on Monday, a somewhat-larger-than-a-cottage space on the grounds of Sean's church (where we're helping with the youthwork), which is home-ly enough but unfortunately internet free. So I'm afraid I wont be able to blog (or reply to emails...mum...) all too often.
Emma and I met the noonoos (the wee ones at Stella Pre-Primary school) on Tuesday. Noonoo is Zulu for "insect", and I promise that's meant in the most endearing way possible! There are around 70 of them, ranging from miniature wide-eyed 3 year olds to boisterous 6 year olds. At first you're little more than a jungle gym, and you end up walking around the playground with many children hanging on you, and atleast two pairs of hands in your hair. We've now gotten to the stage when we know them on an individual basis, which is really encouraging. We leave the place exhausted but invigorated, I can't explain the combination but it just happens.
But now I'm off to watch rugby (!), what madness...
Love,
Heidi
Sorry for the long silence (that goes especially to you, mum!). Emma and I moved into the "lodge" on Monday, a somewhat-larger-than-a-cottage space on the grounds of Sean's church (where we're helping with the youthwork), which is home-ly enough but unfortunately internet free. So I'm afraid I wont be able to blog (or reply to emails...mum...) all too often.
Emma and I met the noonoos (the wee ones at Stella Pre-Primary school) on Tuesday. Noonoo is Zulu for "insect", and I promise that's meant in the most endearing way possible! There are around 70 of them, ranging from miniature wide-eyed 3 year olds to boisterous 6 year olds. At first you're little more than a jungle gym, and you end up walking around the playground with many children hanging on you, and atleast two pairs of hands in your hair. We've now gotten to the stage when we know them on an individual basis, which is really encouraging. We leave the place exhausted but invigorated, I can't explain the combination but it just happens.
But now I'm off to watch rugby (!), what madness...
Love,
Heidi
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